Love Suspendered

This page is for guys only.

Females, you know you already rule the world, so give us this little haven and










For those of you who have read my English papers, mainly, Are We Alone?, you know that love is very tricky. Well, you didn’t have to read any of my essay’s to get to that stunningly simple conclusion, but it is true. Love is a complicated emotion (oh no, here I go with my complex mathematical formulas defining what it means to be human) that cannot be transcribed in a mathematical formula. But if you clicked and read the story (that is if you hadn’t already) then you see how difficult it is to maintain some sort of semblance in a relationship. Nowadays, people measure relationships in months and weeks, where as I measure my relationship with my girlfriend in years. Now the article splits into two paths. Will you take the one less traveled by (albeit the one that’s rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America)? You can choose to listen to my rant on relationships or you can follow a different path pondering the greatness of passion. CHOOSE NOW!

Path One:

The Key To Relationships


Path Two:

Celibacy VS Sex
















The Key To Relationships

Guys. To succeed in a hetero-sexual relationship, you have to do one of two things:

  1. Fight your ego, admit you are a slave to the female, and get on with your life.
  2. Kill yourself.

True the second option doesn’t really let you succeed in a hetero-sexual relationship, but a lot of guys refuse to give up the illusion of dominance and must therefore remove themselves from the gene pool (in my not-so-humble opinion).

I’d nominate any of those individuals for a Darwin Award.















What’s the big deal about sex anyways? It’s totally overrated (note: I am a virgin, so feel free to stop reading at any time). On a totally unrelated note, can you see yourself besides that same person 20 or 30 years from now? If you can, you are most likely a schizoid, but like I said, it’s a totally unrelated note. Now I know I was going somewhere with this topic, but I can’t remember . . . oh yeah. As a devout believer in Jeremy (I’m a Christian Methodist, but I prefer to set up my own beliefs) I have decided to reserve myself, sexually, for marriage. With this in mind, consider a semi-permanent relationship before marriage. How far can we allow this relationship to develop? I mean, I’m a little wishy-washy when it comes to defining what exactly the terms of my sexual reservations are. Not like I wrote them down or anything, you know what I mean? If the situation arose, would I break my vows of celibacy? When you kiss a female, how far ahead are you thinking? The group that thinks with their genitalia is shouting that they are thinking about sex. But what about the rest of you? Are you thinking about sex? Are you cherishing this moment in the space-time continuum? Vacuum. Sorry, just had to confirm in my mind that you could put two U’s right next to each other. Did you know that if you mouth the word “vacuum” it looks as if you’re saying “f*ck you”. Anyways. I like to cherish moments in the space-time continuum, moments were time doesn’t matter and you are just lost in an emotion such as passion, joy, or anger. But aren’t we always analyzing the next move? Trying to think about how to proceed? To make-out with a girl on a semi-regular basis is great, but to advance any relationship, you should enjoy their company. Make-out sessions are not required for love. It’s just a good representation of love. Like how they say sex is the ultimate form of love. I think it’s just baby-making, but that makes me stupid. I mean, can you picture having sex with someone?

Here’s where I go into my Jeff Foxworthy Routine.

I never could picture my mother screaming “Get it up you pot-bellied stallion.” Mom hates that joke. Every time I tell it, she says, “Your father used to be an attractive man.” And I go, “Yeah, Godzilla used to be a little-bitty lizard too.”

But can you imagine consummating your love for someone in the act of intercourse? I can, but then I do one of them full-bodied shivers.


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