None of this is real. I have no idea if anything actually exists until I touch it, and even then my brain is just cataloging sensations from my fingers into electrical impulses telling me that the covers on my bed are soft, or that the bed is firm. “They” have deemed these impulses from the more sensitive areas of the body to be your “senses”. But sight is nothing more than light-waves reflecting off of objects and through the lens of my eyes and interpreted by my brain; you can’t trust it. Ever have those dreams where reality bleeds into those last precious moments of rapid eye movement (or REM) sleep? “This Friday night, I fall asleep at my desk at work. When I wake up with my face and my crossed arms on my desktop, the telephone is ringing, and everyone else is gone. A telephone was ringing in … Continue reading →

Do married men ever yearn for bachelor freedom? Or do bachelor’s ever appreciate those “one-night stands” that they pretend to enjoy? I’m sure some do. How else do you explain the high divorce rate in this country? But it is wrong to make a cuckold of someone who has trusted you for months on end, isn’t it? You must remain faithful to the woman you love. But will it last? Most people assume or take for granted the relationships they get into. But they won’t always be there. Have you ever been so alone that you start talking to a chair? Or have you ever been among friends and felt unwanted? Like you’re in a black hole of loneliness? In moments like this, you can reach out so desperately for companionship. You will grab a flimsy strand of cobweb, commit any sin, and love any person to save yourself from … Continue reading →

Once upon a time, a young girl named Alice stepped through a looking glass into Wonderland. She fell in love with this land and visited occasionally. This is the story of one of those journeys. Based on the stories of Lewis Carrol. One Christmas Eve, Alice was lying in her bed trying to sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to come. She hoped he knew the way to her house, for she had been very good this year. Suddenly she thought that maybe he had gotten lost and decided to go looking for him. It was too late to leave the house, so she figured that she would start her search in Wonderland. She walked up to the looking glass and looked at her reflection. The moon shone through the curtains on her dark brown hair and unnaturally paled her face. Suddenly the mirror shimmered, as if a rock had been … Continue reading →

Mark is sweating bullets. Not real bullets, like the ones in the gun he’s holding, but they might as well be. He deserves to die. Here he is standing in the lobby of Irvine’s First National with a loaded gun from the holster of the cop he just killed and he’s demanding money from the tellers. Sloppy, but not bad for an ex-Green Beret. He’s robbing a bank, but that’s small change compared to the laundry list of felonies Mark has committed in the past 24 hours. And it’s not even his fault. It’s all Bill Gates’ fault. Let’s go back to yesterday and Del Taco. Mark was munching on a chicken soft taco and reading this weeks Time magazine. On the cover is Bill Gates and his wife, with the headline “Bill Gates Cures AIDS!” Mark, a worker at the local power plant, could care less about the cover … Continue reading →

The Trelf and the Cow Once upon a time in a land of green pastures and brown dirt, there lived a trelf and a cow, happily married by a wandering minstrel and his dog. A trelf is an elf who loves to bake cookies. They lived in Battle Creek, Iowa, which had once been a thriving gold-mining town. The mine just out of town had been home to the trelf’s entire extended family of 300 trelves, but the mine collapsed after one trelf’s oven exploded. With no gold mine, the economy of the town dried up and people deserted the town until Battle Creek was little more than a ghost town; except for all the trelves. See, when the gold mine collapsed, the trelves were left without a home. So they hid in the fields until the town was empty then moved into the vacant buildings. The cow and trelf … Continue reading →